Unconditional Positive Regard

Last Sunday, Randi and I left Ali with some friends. Actually, these friends are more than friends, they are extended family. We were gone all day. We went to a concert with the youth group. We were ready to come home, but more importantly we were ready to see our baby.

We arrived at our friends' house to find Ms. Alethia sitting on the lap of the gentleman finishing her bowl of ice cream. (I hear that it is the best ice cream in the world. I cost $23.oo to make.) As I was looking around for my own bowl (I am moved by my stomach), my daughter spotted me. She said, "hi." I must have not heard her. She responded again, "Hi." Still I was transfixed on ice cream. Randi states that Ali finally yelled, "HI!"

I looked up to see an excited little girl who wanted to be with her daddy. I guess I had not thought about how important my acknowledgement of her was. When I look at it now, it makes sense. When I come home in the afternoon, she is ready to be held. She does not want to be held by anybody but me. She needs me to give her attention. She needs to know that I am in her corner. She needs me.

I guess this thought is frightening in some ways. I am in charge of how my daughter is going to feel about herself. It is my responsibility to pass on to her the ability to find a gentle and loving husband. I am not saying that it will be my choice, but it is my duty to show her what a good husband and daddy looks like. This is done by example.

I have been contemplating this because I am facing something in my work that has me struggling. The term unconditional positive regard is a foundational theory in counseling and therapy. I have been struggling to accept it and use it fully. The premise is this; if a person is not cared for, they will never be able to care for themselves. It is a therapist's job to show a person that he or she will hold them with respect and care unconditionally.

When I am honest, this is hard to do. It is a lot easier for me to listen for about five minutes and pontificate on my theories and experience. Often I find myself pontificating rather than listening.

As an experiment, I have taken to seeing how long I can conduct an interview without talking. I want to show people that I am open to listening. There are always exceptions, but often I find that people are willing to open up and give me the information I want, if I am willing to listen. I have even found and remember from school that it is not me that is fixing, it is God and the individual. I am more of a portal that people use to find answers.

When I look at Ali, I realize that I am not solving or fixing her problems. I am giving her the basic elements of health. I am giving her unconditional positive regard. I am telling her that I love her. It is interesting that many therapists' main tool in play therapy is this theory. "If I show you that I care for you, you will care for yourself."

I challenge anyone who reads my blog to take the unconditional positive regard challenge. Speak less; Listen more. I want you to see if you can help somebody heal by showing interest in them. It is my goal to love like Jesus. He really loved the undesirables. He showed real unconditional positive regard.