Into the Toddler Years

The other day, I was home for lunch. As is my lunch habit, I snack on something, visit with Randi, and play with Ali. As I was idly sitting by watching my ladies, I saw something interesting happen before my eyes. My daughter went from being a little baby as I often call her to a full-blown toddler.

I have said in the past and reaffirm now that since the day Alethia was born, she has had a temper. She has always known what she wanted and more importantly, she has always known what she did not want. Interestingly on this day, Ms. Alethia decided that she wanted Randi to do something for her. When Randi informed her that she was not going to do this thing “X,” Ali’s temper began to flare. She grabbed Randi’s hand and tried to bite her. Randi in return chose the punishment of slapping her hand and telling her “NO!” This seemed only to incense her. She tried to bite again. Again Randi repeated the action and got the same response.

At this point, I thought that it might be helpful for Daddy to help out. I will reserve judgment on my parenting skills for a later date. I, however, did achieve the desired result. I jumped up, popped her on the diaper, and firmly stated “NO!” She began to cry. While Daddy had done nothing more than let her know that he was serious, it seemed to hurt her feelings. Later I discussed this incident with Randi. We both came to the realization that we are going to have to let Ali know that we are serious.

So why is so hard to do this? I don’t just mean Ali. I mean, why is it so hard to really let people know what you are thinking? Could it be for the same reason that we don’t want to pop our children on their bottoms? Could it be that we are afraid that we will hurt somebody? Could it be that we are afraid of the consequences?

I have spent the last two years trying to understand the nature of these questions. I think that I am coming to a simple and yet complex answer, “I am afraid that I will lose my intimacy with you.” I have spent many sessions contemplating the subject of intimacy. Most people have the same thought; intimacy is knowing that the person that you have a relationship with approves of you. Is this really intimacy?

One day I was trying to explain the nature of a truly intimate relationship to a lady and it hit me that the relationship we have with God is the portrait of a real intimate relationship. I asked, “Have you ever been frustrated or angry at God?” She replied that she had been angry. I asked, “Where did God go while you were in his throne room shouting at him?” She was slightly perplexed. She finally replied, “He doesn’t go anywhere.” She stopped and thought for a minute and then revelation washed over her face. Intimacy is the ability to be honest with yourself and say what you need to say without having to worry that the person you are in the relationship with will run away.

So many marriages and friendships fall apart because people have never truly been able to be themselves. They have never had a truly honest moment in their relationship. At the point of breakdown, they say the angry things that have festered. This is not honesty but selfishness. In order to be honest people might find themselves asking, “What have I done to hurt this relationship?” People, however, see honesty as saying about an affair, “I can talk to them” or “They really know me like nobody else” or the best line yet, “They are my soul mate.” How many of those relationships last? Probably very few last. They are founded on a faux intimacy. They are still not being honest to themselves or the other. They have never been able to open up and let other person see their flaws. This is an exercise in image control. They believe that if I make the other person unhappy, it will destroy our intimacy. If you cannot say what is true, I suggest that there was never a real intimacy there.

So back to the original question, “Why is it hard to be honest with ourselves and with others without fearing the consequences?” We fear that we will be rejected. We fear that our intimacy will be gone. Specifically, we fear that our mates, children, bosses, coworkers, and friends will shun us.

As I have written, I have been dealing with this issue for the last two years. I have come to the conclusion that I have to own my problems and let others own theirs. That is my big answer. This is my solution. I know that it sounds harsh and simplistic, but it works. I do what I think and know to be right. I will make mistakes, but I try to be honest with myself and with others. I let them decide how they will handle my words. I cannot do it for them. It would be wrong to try. Do I care about what people think? Yes, to a point. I care that they may be hurt, but it does not change that I must be honest with the other and myself.

Intimacy is born out of endurance and struggle not out of compatibility and satisfaction. When I watch Ali grow into the toddler years, it is painful and joyful to watch. She is almost like a weeble except that she wobbles and falls down at times. She throws temper tantrums. She is grouchy and yet her mom and I love her. We don’t quit her because she is difficult at times. We don’t want to teach her faux intimacy.

Many of us have practiced this faux intimacy with our partners, but worse we have practiced it with our God. We have not been real with God. We fear showing him our flaws. We feel that we must get religion just right or he will walk away from us. Does this mean God always likes us? I don’t think so! I think it means that God is willing to love us even when we say and do things that aggravate him. In the book of Hosea, I see a portrait of a God is trying to woo an unfaithful wife back to him all the while knowing that she will not return to him. His is a truly intimate relationship. He is willing to allow us to say what we need to say. We will never find God courting another. He is faithful.

I have been growing into the toddler years for a long time. God is revealing to me that I must be willing to be real. Being real is not always what I think it is. Being real is not selfish. Being real often means that I must be willing to pay the price. I must be willing to suffer for the truth. A person can never have a truly have an intimate relationship until they are willing to lay their real selves out on the line and accept the consequences. If you need an example, see God’s love for his people all the way through the Bible. I pray that God will help me to bold in my relationship with others and with him. I hope that others will have the courage to pray this prayer.