Impossibly Flawed and Wonderfully Made!

I was talking with someone recently and they stated, "I really like what you write, but when are you going to write that you are successful?" I kind of laughed to myself and thought, "Well aren't these all my stories of success?" But I see the point, "Andy, when will you start to toot your own horn?"

I spent a lifetime trying to receive other's attention. It was not until recently that I could claim that I had value independent of someone else's thoughts of me. When I write it is a chance for me to really evaluate myself, to learn, to gain insight, and to become that successful person. I have always been able to find my flaws. There is very little effort for me to notice my mistakes. In the past, however, my criticisms never had any positive thoughts behind it. It was rather condemning of me. I allowed myself no grace. I must make myself right. This was done by managing everyone's feelings toward me. I was the king of apologizing because I might have hurt someone's feelings. I could not value myself. It all came from others. So in a sense this critic was right about me when they said, "When are going to write that you are successful." I know that I am successful, but now I will share what I have learned in the last 3 years.

Here is my answer. God has made me. While I am impossibly flawed, I am wonderfully made. I like being a father and husband, therefore I am reasonably good at it. Life is never as scary lived as it is perceived. I like my job; it is where I try to excel. If you love it, you will be good at it. I have found that being a child of God offers me more hope about my life than any pat on the back ever could. I don't need someone to say, "I like what you are doing." Of course they do, I am living for God. I have realized that I am not as nerdy or geeky as I ever thought I was. I am cool because I believe myself to be. I am free because I do not have to live under the guilt and burden that sin causes. Jesus died for me.

I Wan' it!

Wow! I can't believe that Alethia has just turned one last week. It seems like a few weeks ago I was that Dad that so feared being able to raise a child. I was in such bad shape that I could not even bear to look at my wife in her first three months of pregnancy. I don't want you to think that I am proud of this, but more to realize the distance that I have come. Yes, my wife is amazing. She puts up with me.

As I was stating earlier, Alethia has just turned one. She has gone from being the little baby that came home from the hospital that could only cry when she wanted something to insisting in a very slurred statement, "I wan' it!"

When her Nana was visiting her the other day, she was really desirous of the ice in Nana's glass. She got frustrated because Nana was not giving it to her. With much angst and frustration in her voice she said, "I WAN' IT!" So what did Nana do? She gave her what she wanted. If that had been me, we might have had vision of Randi saying to me ... "Does she need everything she wants?"

I guess I tend to agree with Randi because I had another interesting experience the other day that involved my often curious daughter. Ali likes to visit us in the bathroom. For anybody that has had a little one, you can remember that they like to follow you around the house. While I was in there, not generally paying attention, Ali found something to play with. As I looked around, I found her taking a ribbon that she had been playing with and dipping it in the toilet. About the time I noticed, she had dropped it and had started splashing the water trying to retrieve the ribbon.

Of course, my first inclination was, "Oh, that's gross!" I, however, recovered and rescued Ali's ribbon and her from the potty. Only Ali did not want to be rescued from the potty. She resisted and although she did not say, "I wan' it," her body language spoke these words in volume.

While Ali has no understanding that playing in the potty is really bad for her health, she does understand that it is fun. I don't know about you but I keep tripping up on this same principle in my life. I guess that is why I write about it so much. I guess that the irony is that I know the potty is dirty! I know that it can make me sick, but I keep saying, "I wan' it."

Don't you think that God looks at that those disgusting behaviors and says, "Oh, that's gross," but allows us to play in the potty anyway? Uhmm, I can't parent like God. Maybe the biggest difference is that God knows that we know it is not good. Ali does not. She can shout that she wants it, but will eventually learn that not everything we want is good for us.

Randi and I have pledged to try to lead a life that questions the "I wan' it" attitude. We want our lives to reflect sacrifice and service to others. Just my opinion but if you find yourself saying, the word BUT there is probably an "I wan' it" or "I deserve it" following.

If you want to have a close relationship with anybody, you have to listen. If you want to have a close relationship with God you have to listen. In order to listen, the "I wan' it" or "I deserve it" must go away. The big BUT must be lost. God desires a close relationship with me, but will probably not sidle up to me as long as I choose to play in the potty. When I stop saying "BUT, I wan' it," start listening, a relationship with God can begin.

We Must Obey God!

This last Sunday was a really good exercise in the power of God. I have been operating as a Bible teacher and Teen Care Group leader for the last six months at the Reidland church of Christ. While I was apprehensive to take on this task, I have found that I enjoy the pedagogical aspects of this work. I have enjoyed having to stretch myself. I have enjoyed learning that I can do it.

You see, most of my life I suffered from the belief that maybe I can't do it. Instead of thinking, "I can do it," or more to the point, "I can't do it," there was always a maybe or a doubt in my ability to perform. I heard from early childhood, "Andy is not living up to his potential." Or "He can do better." I knew that there was an expectation that I should perform. I just didn't.

I actually remember a funny time when my father tried to force me to do better. Now my dad was not and is not an ogre, but I believe he just wanted me to succeed. My dad informed me during my third grade year that he was going to spank me at the end of the semester if I brought home on my report card any more C's. I laugh now thinking about my response. It is very typical Andy. I, generally, did nothing but dream of better grades. I, however, put in no actual effort. Naturally, at the end of the semester, I brought home my three C's. That was worth three licks a piece. Trying to outsmart my dad, I wore toilet paper in my pants for three days. When I thought I was in the clear, I took the padding out. Guess when the spanking occurred? Yep, not long after the padding was clear. (I am sure that my dad does not remember this story, but I still laugh at myself. How could I really think that I would fool my dad?) If I look back on my career at school, I am not sure that it would have mattered.

Did my dad spank me because he thought it was fun, I sincerely doubt it. He was trying to motivate me. It is too bad that motivating is as difficult as getting a pig to move out of its puddle on a hot day. I am stubborn. More to the point, I was afraid to move. While I knew that the results of my actions (not doing anything) were detrimental to my health, I was more afraid of trying to succeed or fail as it may be.

As I said earlier, I was afraid to take on some of the responsibilities at church because I did not want to fail. God, however, has been teaching me otherwise. On Sunday, I heard a lesson on the Apostles choosing to have a public ministry in spite of what the Jewish leaders demanded of them. They stated, "We must obey God rather than men! (Acts 5:29)"

At the Teen Care Group on Sunday night, I offered the teens a lesson that has cut my own heart. It goes along with Terrell's lesson and is at the heart of my own struggle. Ezekiel 37 is a text about a Valley of Dry Bones. In this story, the prophet is told by God to preach and prophesy to the bones. As he does, the bones reassemble. They become fleshed. They look like people, yet they are dead. It is not until Ezekiel prophesies for the wind to enter these bodies do they have breath. As this point, a vast army stands before Ezekiel. This Army was nothing but dead bodies until they had breath. After this point, they are powerful and full of life.

Isn't that the point really? In my lifetime, I have been a dead useless body. Oh sure, I look good. I was nice. I was polite to the right people. Yet, I was still a dead body on the valley floor. Nothing more than a dried bone. It is funny because I wanted to be useful and powerful. I wanted to be successful in school. I wanted to be respected and loved, but I did not want to do what it took to become what I wanted to be. I took the easy way because it is easier to accept failure by not trying than to try and fail. I feared not becoming what I wanted to be.

I look back at myself and realize that all along, I have wanted to be a mighty man of God. I have wanted a real relationship with him. I wanted to be counted as a soldier of the Cross. I just did not want to have to have to make the sacrifice. I liked looking good. But where did does this get me?

As long as I (see you and me) stand on the side and say, "I may or may not be able to do it," I never will. It is not until this dead body has the creator's breathe in him that he will live. I have to be willing to say, "I must obey God!" I have to be willing to give God glory by being a failure for him. It is not until I can move past my fear of being embarrassed or ashamed that I can become anything but a dry bone.

Can you really fool your dad? He knows what he has called you to do. May the Lord encourage you to become a fool for him. May you say, "I must obey God" and stop looking like you are alive and become alive.

Apple Jacks Are Not The Real Thing!

Last night as Randi was preparing dinner, I was getting Ali into her high chair. In order to pass the time until dinner was ready, I gave Ali a small handful of Apple Jacks. While some of you may know this, a one year old seems to have trouble understanding that Apple Jacks are not really apples. (If you consult the box, you will notice that Sugar is the main ingredient.) Anyway, Randi put the food on the table. It was a vegatable pizza that Randi really enjoys. Normally, I enjoy it as well. If you must know, I indulged before coming home....bad idea. Well, I guess that I convinced Ali to do the same. She let Randi and I know that she was not pleased with her dinner.

You see Ali at about 10-11 months began to employ the "don't eat pile." This is a pile where the unwanted food goes. If she is eating and the tray is too small, it just goes on the floor. I don't know where she learned this habit, but it was employed at this meal. The biggest problem was that she was trying to put her whole plate in the "don't eat pile." She would not eat anything Randi gave her. She actually started being very verbal about her unhappiness. I was thinking to myself, "Well, I'll just get her some more Apple Jacks." I guess that I uttered this out loud, because Randi's response was appropriate. She said, "Andy, why are you trying to appease this child?"

I guess that I know the answer. It is easier to give her what she wants than it is to give her what she needs. As much as I know that Apple Jacks are not good for my baby, I often think, "...but it will make her happy." Wow! How often have I seen out-of-control children in my office, at church, or at the grocery store? How often do I say to myself, "If that were my kid...?" And yet here I am struggling with this same issue.

How often do we settle for Apple Jacks when we can have the real thing! I know that, recently, I have been struggling with having the real thing. My relationship with Christ is not much different than this experience I had with Randi. While Ali wanted Apple Jacks, the mommy knew better. She kept and keeps saying, "Ali needs to eat her vegatables." While we all want to eat Apple Jacks because that cinnamon and apple tastes so delectable, it is not what we need.

As I have contemplated about my relationship with Christ over the last few weeks and months, I can see that Christ has been saying to me over and over, "Andy, [that] is not what you need. I know that you think you need it, but it is only what you want. It is not really good for. It isn't really even Apples." You know I want what Christ offers, but often find myself saying, "Yeah, but it is soooo GOOOOD!"

God knows what we really need. He knows that Apple Jacks are not really Apples! What he offers is so good for us. It may not be the most appealing course at first, but you will soon find that you are more satisfied with his food. As you consider these words, I pray that you, like me will, "Taste and see that the LORD is good." (Psalm 34:8)

Resistance

You ever noticed how we say, "I'll never do that," only to find ourselves doing that thing we said that we would never do. I am really one of those people. I really have to sit back and laugh at myself at times.

I am always going against the flow. I want to be different. At times I try to be so different, I become just like everybody else. I have noticed this trend in everybody. We dress to be different, only to find that we are not noticed anymore. We look just like everybody else who is trying to be different.

I guess I am saying all of this to say that I was not going to blog last year because everybody else was doing it. Well in my effort to be different, I have become like everybody else. So, I will be like all the other bloggers and be me in the process.

Hope you enjoy my thoughts.