Always Learning

Andy's thoughts and other musings

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Unconditional Positive Regard

Last Sunday, Randi and I left Ali with some friends. Actually, these friends are more than friends, they are extended family. We were gone all day. We went to a concert with the youth group. We were ready to come home, but more importantly we were ready to see our baby.

We arrived at our friends' house to find Ms. Alethia sitting on the lap of the gentleman finishing her bowl of ice cream. (I hear that it is the best ice cream in the world. I cost $23.oo to make.) As I was looking around for my own bowl (I am moved by my stomach), my daughter spotted me. She said, "hi." I must have not heard her. She responded again, "Hi." Still I was transfixed on ice cream. Randi states that Ali finally yelled, "HI!"

I looked up to see an excited little girl who wanted to be with her daddy. I guess I had not thought about how important my acknowledgement of her was. When I look at it now, it makes sense. When I come home in the afternoon, she is ready to be held. She does not want to be held by anybody but me. She needs me to give her attention. She needs to know that I am in her corner. She needs me.

I guess this thought is frightening in some ways. I am in charge of how my daughter is going to feel about herself. It is my responsibility to pass on to her the ability to find a gentle and loving husband. I am not saying that it will be my choice, but it is my duty to show her what a good husband and daddy looks like. This is done by example.

I have been contemplating this because I am facing something in my work that has me struggling. The term unconditional positive regard is a foundational theory in counseling and therapy. I have been struggling to accept it and use it fully. The premise is this; if a person is not cared for, they will never be able to care for themselves. It is a therapist's job to show a person that he or she will hold them with respect and care unconditionally.

When I am honest, this is hard to do. It is a lot easier for me to listen for about five minutes and pontificate on my theories and experience. Often I find myself pontificating rather than listening.

As an experiment, I have taken to seeing how long I can conduct an interview without talking. I want to show people that I am open to listening. There are always exceptions, but often I find that people are willing to open up and give me the information I want, if I am willing to listen. I have even found and remember from school that it is not me that is fixing, it is God and the individual. I am more of a portal that people use to find answers.

When I look at Ali, I realize that I am not solving or fixing her problems. I am giving her the basic elements of health. I am giving her unconditional positive regard. I am telling her that I love her. It is interesting that many therapists' main tool in play therapy is this theory. "If I show you that I care for you, you will care for yourself."

I challenge anyone who reads my blog to take the unconditional positive regard challenge. Speak less; Listen more. I want you to see if you can help somebody heal by showing interest in them. It is my goal to love like Jesus. He really loved the undesirables. He showed real unconditional positive regard.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Into the Toddler Years

The other day, I was home for lunch. As is my lunch habit, I snack on something, visit with Randi, and play with Ali. As I was idly sitting by watching my ladies, I saw something interesting happen before my eyes. My daughter went from being a little baby as I often call her to a full-blown toddler.

I have said in the past and reaffirm now that since the day Alethia was born, she has had a temper. She has always known what she wanted and more importantly, she has always known what she did not want. Interestingly on this day, Ms. Alethia decided that she wanted Randi to do something for her. When Randi informed her that she was not going to do this thing “X,” Ali’s temper began to flare. She grabbed Randi’s hand and tried to bite her. Randi in return chose the punishment of slapping her hand and telling her “NO!” This seemed only to incense her. She tried to bite again. Again Randi repeated the action and got the same response.

At this point, I thought that it might be helpful for Daddy to help out. I will reserve judgment on my parenting skills for a later date. I, however, did achieve the desired result. I jumped up, popped her on the diaper, and firmly stated “NO!” She began to cry. While Daddy had done nothing more than let her know that he was serious, it seemed to hurt her feelings. Later I discussed this incident with Randi. We both came to the realization that we are going to have to let Ali know that we are serious.

So why is so hard to do this? I don’t just mean Ali. I mean, why is it so hard to really let people know what you are thinking? Could it be for the same reason that we don’t want to pop our children on their bottoms? Could it be that we are afraid that we will hurt somebody? Could it be that we are afraid of the consequences?

I have spent the last two years trying to understand the nature of these questions. I think that I am coming to a simple and yet complex answer, “I am afraid that I will lose my intimacy with you.” I have spent many sessions contemplating the subject of intimacy. Most people have the same thought; intimacy is knowing that the person that you have a relationship with approves of you. Is this really intimacy?

One day I was trying to explain the nature of a truly intimate relationship to a lady and it hit me that the relationship we have with God is the portrait of a real intimate relationship. I asked, “Have you ever been frustrated or angry at God?” She replied that she had been angry. I asked, “Where did God go while you were in his throne room shouting at him?” She was slightly perplexed. She finally replied, “He doesn’t go anywhere.” She stopped and thought for a minute and then revelation washed over her face. Intimacy is the ability to be honest with yourself and say what you need to say without having to worry that the person you are in the relationship with will run away.

So many marriages and friendships fall apart because people have never truly been able to be themselves. They have never had a truly honest moment in their relationship. At the point of breakdown, they say the angry things that have festered. This is not honesty but selfishness. In order to be honest people might find themselves asking, “What have I done to hurt this relationship?” People, however, see honesty as saying about an affair, “I can talk to them” or “They really know me like nobody else” or the best line yet, “They are my soul mate.” How many of those relationships last? Probably very few last. They are founded on a faux intimacy. They are still not being honest to themselves or the other. They have never been able to open up and let other person see their flaws. This is an exercise in image control. They believe that if I make the other person unhappy, it will destroy our intimacy. If you cannot say what is true, I suggest that there was never a real intimacy there.

So back to the original question, “Why is it hard to be honest with ourselves and with others without fearing the consequences?” We fear that we will be rejected. We fear that our intimacy will be gone. Specifically, we fear that our mates, children, bosses, coworkers, and friends will shun us.

As I have written, I have been dealing with this issue for the last two years. I have come to the conclusion that I have to own my problems and let others own theirs. That is my big answer. This is my solution. I know that it sounds harsh and simplistic, but it works. I do what I think and know to be right. I will make mistakes, but I try to be honest with myself and with others. I let them decide how they will handle my words. I cannot do it for them. It would be wrong to try. Do I care about what people think? Yes, to a point. I care that they may be hurt, but it does not change that I must be honest with the other and myself.

Intimacy is born out of endurance and struggle not out of compatibility and satisfaction. When I watch Ali grow into the toddler years, it is painful and joyful to watch. She is almost like a weeble except that she wobbles and falls down at times. She throws temper tantrums. She is grouchy and yet her mom and I love her. We don’t quit her because she is difficult at times. We don’t want to teach her faux intimacy.

Many of us have practiced this faux intimacy with our partners, but worse we have practiced it with our God. We have not been real with God. We fear showing him our flaws. We feel that we must get religion just right or he will walk away from us. Does this mean God always likes us? I don’t think so! I think it means that God is willing to love us even when we say and do things that aggravate him. In the book of Hosea, I see a portrait of a God is trying to woo an unfaithful wife back to him all the while knowing that she will not return to him. His is a truly intimate relationship. He is willing to allow us to say what we need to say. We will never find God courting another. He is faithful.

I have been growing into the toddler years for a long time. God is revealing to me that I must be willing to be real. Being real is not always what I think it is. Being real is not selfish. Being real often means that I must be willing to pay the price. I must be willing to suffer for the truth. A person can never have a truly have an intimate relationship until they are willing to lay their real selves out on the line and accept the consequences. If you need an example, see God’s love for his people all the way through the Bible. I pray that God will help me to bold in my relationship with others and with him. I hope that others will have the courage to pray this prayer.

Monday, August 22, 2005

First Blood

Last week was a scary time for my family. I talked to my mother on Saturday afternoon and asked her if she had read the message about he impending grandchild. Of course she had, but I got very little response. (Randi told me that I should have called. I guess next time I will call. So this is also an apology for my insensitivity.) Actually, my mom did not talk long and sounded as if she were not feeling good. When I got off the phone, Randi asked, "Are you done already?" I answered that mom did not seem to want to talk. It was if she did not feel good.

I know now that she did not. By Tuesday, I got a call from my sister stating that my mother was in the hospital. She had a ruptured appendix. I am not a medical type. (When asked biology questions, I make stuff up. Randi routinely looks at me like I am crazy, but I just did not like biology. If you had Ms. Lusk for a biology teacher, you might feel that same way.) Anyway, I did not know how serious this thing was. It was not until yesterday that I realized that my mom was in some real peril. When I talked to her she stated, "The doctor told her that he thought that he was going to lose her." My mom laughs at this now, because it has seemed to spur my dad to do some things that she has wanted done for a long time. I guess when you almost lose somebody it really makes you want to show them how much you appreciate them.

In a vaguely parallel incident, Ali had her first bloody accident over the weekend. A little boy was trying to give her a hug and knocked her down in the process. She lay on the floor and cried for a second. Ali tends to be a little dramatic and I thought, "She is just putting on." When I finally picked her up, she had blood streaming out of her mouth.

I was shocked. She was screaming and wiping blood around her face. It was smeared everywhere. My baby was a bloody mess. I did not know what to think. What do you do in a situation like this? It was not serious. It was just a bloody lip. I, however, felt panic. My baby has been hurt. After settling her down with a Popsicle, I realized that everything was going to be okay.

It is weird that a person does not often realize the value of life until someone special is lost or damaged. With Ali the danger was evident, but with my mom I did not realize the danger. Remember, I am ignorant in medical matters. (I remember an episode on Night Court, when Dan Fielding did an emergency surgery to cut out Harry’s appendix with a pocketknife. How dangerous can that be?)

As I spoke to my mom, she reminded me that good has come out of this episode. Out of her pain, she has received a blessing from my father. He was at her side on a near constant basis. She, I hope you don’t mind mom, has struggled for years with her feelings of importance in my dad’s life. She learned from this episode that he would always be there for her.

Why does it take blood and death to remind us of what is important? When I spill blood, it means pain for me. If I spill too much, it means death. I have struggled for years to understand why God decided to use blood and death as his means of conveying salvation. I think that I understand it more. As humans, one of the things we fear is pain. Some even fear death. God wanted to make a point. Sin is that bad. It deserves to die. It deserves to feel pain. If we feel this much pain at the loss of someone who is human, how much more of a sacrifice was is it that God chose this path for Jesus?

When I saw Ali with blood streaming out of her face or think about the near loss of my mother, I realize that God gave up his Son to both of these experiences. He had to experience pain. He had to suffer death. If my mom had not faced death, my father might have not had the opportunity to show her that she was important. If Jesus had not faced pain and death, I would not have the opportunity to show him how thankful I am.

I realized that I don’t serve God because I am obligated to serve him. I serve God because I realize how close he came to death for me. (Read as, he came really close. He died for me.)

I hope that I can learn from this experience. I hope that I can remember to be a faithful servant because I would miss him if he were not in my life. I will pray, “God help me to love you because I would miss you so much if you were not a part of my life.”

Friday, August 12, 2005

God is the Best Fisherman!


Ever wonder why things work out the way they do? Just this morning I was thinking to myself, "Ali's dirty diaper needs to be changed. I think

I'll change it." As I started with this process Randi said, "I'll do it, you don't have time. You'll be late for work." I, however, disagreed and changed Ali's diaper. I guess I just wanted to do it.

On my way to work, I realized that I really like being a daddy. I liked changing my baby's diaper. Don't get me wrong, I try to act like I can't smell the really bad ones sometimes. Maybe if I wait it out, Randi will change her. So don't canonize me yet.

I think it hit me that it is a joy to watch someone who is part of you, grow up. Ali is so funny. She is vibrant. She is grouchy. She is loud. Yet, she is me and I am her. We are of the same flesh. No matter what happens, she will always belong to me. She will always be my daughter.

So I come back to the question, ever wonder why things work out the way they do? Here I was...My wife 3 months pregnant with Ali and I could not even bear to look at her. I was so afraid. I did not want to be a dad. I did not want Randi to be pregnant. No matter how hard I pretended, Ali was not going to go away. Eventually my heart was softened. It was 3 days before Ali was born, but God softened my heart.

It seems to me that God has been fishing with me. I am the fish. He is standing by with a cane pole and a cork saying, "Come on bite it, bite it," and yank he has me hooked. I will probably laugh at myself for the next year as I realize that as soon as I said, "Okay God, I am good with this," he gives me something else.

So for the question again, "Why do things work out the way that they do?" I came home from lunch today to find a drawing on the fridge. My one year old daughter, with the help of mommy, had drawn a picture of the family. She had even managed to label the pictures of eveybody. Guess who was in Mommy's arms? It was not Ali. It was baby duplex. (Not a name I like, but one that Randi's family likes. So I grin and bear it.) I don't think that you can imagine my surprise or shock. Yeah, yeah... I know where babies come from. I just did not expect for it happen again. (Insert laughter here.)

Once more I ask, "Why do things work out the way they do?" I don't have an answer but I really have learned to appreciate God's timing. Yes, I believe that he has helped me. He has softened my heart when it needed to be softened. He has given me peace when there was none to be had. He has given me courage in the face of adversity. I guess things work out the way they do because everything has a time and place.

I will continue to pray, "God give me what I need as I need it. Nothing more, nothing less."

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Happiness is a Disease

How many times have I heard, "I just want to be happy?" If you listen real closely you can hear the world saying, "Just do whatever makes you happy!" I can't stomach this any longer. It makes me sick to hear it.

It's not that I don't want to be happy or that I don't want others to be happy, but life is not about being happy. Our world, but especially our culture, is sick with the idea that we must be happy at all times. Really, I hear everyday, "Well .... I just wasn't happy in my marriage." Or "He just didn't give me what I need." I am not naive. I understand that some situations will warrant the dissolution of a marriage, but this disease affects us in all areas of our life.

Think about where we eat. McDonalds! What do they call their children's meal? Yes, it is a happy meal. I hear people say, "When I get sad, I just go shopping." Why go shopping? So that I can be happy again.

Personally, my struggle with happiness has always centered on a television and a bag of chips. I find happiness in my belly. It is really starting to show! The problem is that this is not happiness. Now I find that I am unhappy about the way I look. It is kind of funny. All the things I do for happiness just bring me more unhappiness.

So is being happy wrong? It certainly is not! It is just that I am tired of myself and others worshipping the STATE OF HAPPINESS. Happiness is elusive. You will never find 100% satisfaction in anything or anyone. When you are disappointed, happiness will have flitted away.
What I really desire is peace and contentment. I am not sure if I know how to explain this, but Paul the Apostle does a great job when he writes...


4
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. 10I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Paul seems to be saying that happiness is not important in the face of adversity. What is important is being at peace with what you have. This passage ends with, "I can do everything through him who gives me strength." I believe that strength he gives is the ability to have peace and contentment when the world is all wrong around you.

So, yeah I am sick of hearing... "Just do what makes you happy." It just does not work. Try to be satisfied with what you have. See how that suits you? You may find that your life is much simpler.

I will continue to pray, "God give what I need for today. I want nothing more."

Friday, August 05, 2005

Life proves that what Poppy says is true!

Ali has started walking!!!! What a blessing. What a curse. No, just kidding. This little girl has gotten busy being all over the house. Randi and I will be with her one minute and she is gone the next. It might be the potty one minute and the trash the next. She really loves to go into her room and pull all of the clothes out of the drawers. She finds cords fascinating. She loves to the take the "old original Nintendo" cord and wrap it around her neck. Is that safe or what? She finds that mommy and daddy's belts are good toys and she love playing with ribbon. I don't know what it is with Ali, but she loves to wrap these things around her neck. Without getting too sidetracked, Ali has become a whirling dervish in our lives.


I think it is funny that I found myself saying, "I can't wait until Ali begins walking." What was I thinking? I had a captive audience. She thought I was as great as sliced bread and she could not get away from me. I did not have to worry that she would be wrapping cord around her neck or anything else that she could find. I guess I was just thinking that it would be better when she could do something more. I guess I was not living in the moment.

It is strange that we spend our lives dreaming about the future without appreciating the present. When I was sixteen and wanted a car, my Poppy would tell that not everything is as good as it seems. He would repeatedly tell me about his experience as a young man. He stated that he longed for a car as well. When he finally got one, it never worked properly. He always told me to live in the moment. Just because you get what you want, it does not mean that you really wanted what you got. I did not understand that until I bought my first $300 car. It was broke as much as it worked.

I still find myself missing the present. I am looking for the future. I find myself saying, "Things will be better when..." If I constantly look into the future the present will have become the past. I have been trying to pray this prayer lately. "God give me what I need, when I need it. Lord, I don't want more than I need, just what I need. Help me to appreciate what I have by what you have given me.

My Poppy has often been right. If I take the time to stop and listen to him, I can hear him say, "What you think you want may not be as big a blessing as you thought it would be." I want to appreciate the moment. I want to enjoy watching my little girl grow. I want to be patient and take what God gives me as I need it.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Modern Day Paul


It is interesting that the more my faith develops, the more I learn that I have it easy. I asked the high school class the other day if they really had it too easy. They did not understand what I meant. I had them read the testimony of Christians around the world who are being persecuted for their faith. One boy stated, "Maybe we should be persecuted too, then we would have faith like these people."

While I don't wish to be persecuted I understand the thinking of a 15 year old. If I am faced with a choice to share Jesus or die, my faith becomes real to me. In a society where everything is "have it your way," it appears that it is easy to have a faith that is "have it your way."

As of early 2005, the Reidland Church has decided to support a man named Phillip Ganta. Mr. Ganta is an Indian national working in the United Arab Emirates. He is an electronics technician who is also a self supporting missionary(see tentmaker here). Mr. Ganta has been using his wages in order to fund his missionary work in the UAE. He is a very gifted evangelist and selfless person, who only desires to serve the Lord by taking the gospel to the Muslim world. He fully expects to die in his work. I have committed to praying for Mr. Ganta and his work.

Mr. Ganta's work not only includes preaching to the muslims, sikhs, and hindis but also preparing the men that are converted to be evangelist and teachers of the gospel. He currently has around 60 students. They are students of the Reidland School of Preaching. He could not name the school after the city in which he works, Dubai. It was not allowed. There are plans, however, to have the school legalized. This will take some amount of money.

He has put himself at risk to take Jesus to the Muslim world. He does not ask for support, but it has been offered to him. This last Sunday $4208.00 was given to recoupe cost that he lost while traveling to Afghanistan to encourage some of his former students. He will stop at nothing to take the gospel to this region.

If you are interested in helping Phillip, you can contact the Reidland Church of Christ. While Phillip does not expect the help, he could use your help. If you are interested in reading Phillip's letter to the church about his experience in Afghanistan, I will be glad to send you a copy.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Tall Tomatoes

I am not a farmer. I have never been a farmer. I will probably never be a farmer. My dad, who is not a farmer either, grew up on a farm. He kind of values himself as an agricultural type. Since he is an entomologist, I believe that he can be lumped into this field. I, however, will likely never share the fate of being agricultural.

There are attempts on my part. I have raised a plant that my sister gave me a few years ago. I have managed to keep the Aloe plant alive. I fed Rusty the cow ever morning one winter from a pail with a nipple on it. (Ha! Rusty you got yours. We ate you.) I raised show lambs with my family for more years than I can remember. But, alas, I will never be considered a country boy. I am soft in the ways of the farm.

This makes Randi and my plight all that more interesting. Randi and I have planted a garden in our yard in Paducah. It is not a large garden. It really is rather small. The garden grows beside the fence line midway up the yard. It sits partly in the shade during the morning but has some afternoon sun.

Randi has planted squash, zuichini, cucumber, and acorn squash. She also has 7 of the most beautiful tomato plants that you have ever seen. We actually have a tomato plant that is almost 5 feet high. It is gorgeous, only it has not produced any fruit all summer. It has become our family joke. If we were in the contest for the tallest tomato plants, we would win.

Isn't it funny that a tomato plant can look so good and be so worthless. (Terrell, if I can borrow from you...) Jesus stated to his Apostles that the fruit he was looking for in their lives was prayer. He wanted to know that their faith was producing fruit all year round. He actually cursed the fig tree in order to make the point. A real Christian has fruit year round. (Mark 11:12-25)

When I evaluated myself, I said,"Why does that man keep stepping on my toes." The real question is, "How can I be close to God, do great things for him, and appreciate him, if I don't know who he is?" If you are not talking to God, you may be a really tall tomato plant without any fruit. Think about it.